Tire Kicking By Estimate

Susan is out of town this week, so I get to have fun in answering the phone to "assist" the many, many tire kickers that call for free advice or request an estimate:

Me answering phone:  "Dan Turner!"

Him:  "I need some information for a new house that I want to buy here in Conyers.  It's about 70% complete."

Me:   "I see.  When do you plan to close?"

Him:  "I've not set up a date yet.  I'm still trying to decide if the costs are going to be more than I can afford to buy or borrow."

Me:   "Wise move.  Since you don't own the property, I'll need to get you to pay me up front for a site visit, measure and valuation."

Him:  "I beg your pardon?  You charge for giving me an estimate?  How much do you think your estimate will cost?"

Me:   "Well, we're both in Conyers so portal to portal drive time won't be much.  I can measure out and give you a valuation in about 2 days....hmmmmm....I think a $1000.00 will be a reasonable amount for this service."

Him:  "Really?  A thousand dollars?  That's kinda expensive for an estimate...isn't it?"

Me:   "You're right....I can probably do it cheaper.  Have you got the drawings for this house?"

Him:  "No."

Me:   "Well....a thousand dollars is about right."

Him:  "no way!!  I thought you guys just had a square foot price to bid on."

Me:   "We do!  How many square feet have you got?"

Him:  "I don't know."

Me:   "There you go....a $1000."

Him:  "err hmmmm....what if I don't like your estimate?  Or the cost to finish is more that I can afford to buy?"

Me:   "Welll....it would be the best $1000 you ever spent."

Him:  "I don't understand this at all.  I thought you guys did stuff like this....complimentary."

Me:   "Listen son, I appreciate what you have in mind to do.  And I appreciate your honesty...it saved me the online search to check ownership of the property that you have in mind."

"What we have is a call from you about a house that you don't own that is about 70% complete that you need an estimate to decide if you wish to buy it.  My problem is this....if I spend good time on your proposal and once I'm finished you choose not to buy the house...I've wasted about 2 days on someone elses land.  It's kinda a Catch 22, but you're asking me to consult with you on the purchase of the home...and just like any consultant, they have a billing for time spent working and doing what they do as a profession.  When I'm done, you have my numbers....and many, many, many, many, many times my numbers are shopped around with other contractors.   For my price, I give you a materials take off and quick sketch of the house and square area that you can pass around freely once you've paid for it up front and then delivered.  Pretty much in that order."

Him:  "I don't want a consultant, I want a builder to give me a price that I can take to the bank to get a mortgage."

Me:  "I see.  Well, my builder fee for site visit, measure and estimate would be $2000."

Him:  "&*(%*&*(#   >   slammed phone and sound of impact.

Ye olde saying that I always thought was sage advice dealing with male/female relationships still applies today:

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Home Builder at the Bar

I'm enjoying a libation at a regional bar when suddenly a gorgeous 19-year-old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that I just can’t take my eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices me staring and with sultry moves...sits down next to me.

I try to stammer out an apology for being such a twit in staring....however the girl looks deep into the eyes and says to me in a very breathy & sexy tone:

“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars.....plus there’s one other condition”.

I'm shocked for this complete change of events! I drop my eye level down to her and ask....."what kind of condition are you talking about?"

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just five words.”

I said to myself...."self" I said..."hmmmmmm. Okay you're on!" Pulled out my clip and peeled out a hundred dollars and put it on top of the bar.

She smiles slowly while staring me in the eyes...."what's it going to be handsome?"

I sat back on my bar stool and with my best Possum and Persimmon smile...I lean in and tell her:

“Paint 24-B Today"

The story of a Five Year-old Girl's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers which will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough" more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there, to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a "pay" envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those a$$holes at Lowe's ever deliver the f***ing sheet rock!" 

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Common Tools and Their Uses

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. 

Construction Job Site (mis) Management

I grew up in the trade.  (If you can call it growing up)

Every Summer, I had a job with my dad at any of the construction sites that he had underway.  Whether digging out a footing or putting the final mudding around the chimney tile (and untold number of houses with my initials facing skyward) it was always new part of the construction project.  I was very, very fortunate to grow up around guys that perfected their particular craft for decades.  With that familiarity of job and the personalities, it was a real joy to come to work most days when conditions were just right.

I can't say that I slept a lot on the job, but when I did have a chance to sit down or stretch out....like most of the guys there, it was snore city during the comfortable days while on break.  A lot of jokes (a WHOLE LOT) took place while any one of us snoozed during break....so dozing with one eye open was mandatory....at least most of the time. 

As I grew into the character of homebuilder, I got to pull...and be part of....many great job site pranks.  I was the easy going, lumber totin', six foot-five and half inches tall job boss that got into more fun as well as the butt of return fire-fun than I should have.  But...for the most part, construction guys lived by two things....common sense and humor.  Not necessarily good sense and good humor....but, still it made for great days with each crew that came and left each job.

One very mild Autumn day, I was on the site of a contract house that was being trimmed out for soffiting, fascia, frieze and a 4 run crown.  The masons left their scaffolding up on the front of this tall two story while they started the side walls with the idea that they would strike the scaffolding after the frieze was installed and they could finish that wall (they were working plumb lines to the brick box).  With superb coordination of materials and labor (Job ONE for any builder), I had the cornice crew ready to climb the scaffolding as soon as the masons finished up with the scratch joint (look it up yourself).

From that elevation and with the large overhang, the temp and breeze coming up the bluff...just hanging out with these guys sitting in a large circle window in the center was a treat.  My treat.  The compressors were humming in the background and the p-tooosh, p-toooosh, p-tooosh of the finishing nail air hammers were like a tune in my ear....with all that going on, I began to doze off.  One of the cornice-clowns walked by and jumped up and down on the plank board right next to me to startle me awake...which it did.   A quick jest about his family background and his retort about my big feet being in his way on the planks....all was well.  However, I did put both feet firmly down on the scaffold plank in the event I dozed off again so I wouldn't roll out of the window and tear down any new brick work if I took the short cut to the ground.

The sounds of finish carpentry work....voices calling down measures to the guy on the saw; the miter box and coping saws and the hum of compressor and soft whack of the finish nail guns...I was again passed out asleep in the semi-recline of the huge circle window.  I wasn't and am still not lazy, but it's a harsh life outdoors for many years....you take comfort when your rump and back tell you that you're comfortable.  Indeed....rump and back prevailed!  All materials were there.  The cornice & window subs were there.  Scaffolding (such as it was) was up while the brick masons took the day off while the cornice crews ran the brick boxing & frieze.

At least an hour later, I got a nudge from the crew boss....not a touch on the shoulder, but a touch on the head with a 12ft piece of 8 inch crown mould.  

Actually more like a "thunk".....

"Huh...wha?" was the only thing I could say intelligibly at the moment.  I was out for the count and needed time to recover!

"Bossman....we need some more 16ga casing nails."

"You're out already?  Yawwwwwwwnnnnn.....you guys take 20 and I'll go open up the shed to see what we have."

As I tried to sit up my feet felt like lead and thought I'd put them to sleep from sitting on the window stop (look it up!) in the circle window.  And then...I realized that my feet weren't moving and went into the panic mode as this was a dangerous place to be without legs.  But...my knees were twisting along with my ankles and my toes....and...... "wait a damnminute..........baaaastards!!"

While they were working over and around me....they had p-tooosh'd both boots to the scaffold plank board by toe-nailing the sole edges...and heels...into the top 2x10 scaffold plank.  Since I'd given them 20 minutes, they were all laughing, pointing and telling the rest of the crews about my situation sitting on the front/dead center of this size huge house.  Some of my best pals were down there yukking it up at my expense and misfortune...which was alright because to me..."Payback could be a Medevac" by me.

All in good fun.  Usually....however Inclusive of the gathering crew spectators....a DeKalb County building inspector that was showing up to let the house go for wallboard if it passed inspection had wandered into this fiasco.  I saw the guys jump on his truck before he got out....he was bent over at the waist laughing while the only thing I could do was untie my boots and slide out to walk around with him the inside of the house in my socks and stepping over pointy things.

I was fortunate that the same cornice clowns that had nailed my boots down were good guys enough to pry-bar them loose and remove the nails.  It was a nice gesture on their part.  Of course, it didn't save them from retaliation at another time/another house....but just part of the per diem that made for a very interesting and fun career in home building. 

Why Design/Builders Specify Ground Fault Circuits

Sometimes it's easier to explain with a tale of woe when someone asks about such specs. I hope you guys, gals and others will throw in your own personal experience that relates to the oft asked client question: "why do we have to use xxxxx?"

Ground Faults are a good thing!

Years ago, I had the great idea of buying elderly homes around Atlanta (not homes for the elderly...homes with age) for fun and profit (HAH!!). This consisted of my taking possession; removing the old and starting in with the basic upkeep to make it ready for sale or rental occupancy.

One elderly gal with stone foundation; ashlar facing and tru-dimension materials got my eye and made the deal. There was not a major renov to take place....just TLC and freshening up the interiors and squaring away some exterior issues.

I remember it well. It was the dog days of Summer in Atlanta. I worked by myself for the most part and enjoyed my own pace. One task that was coming up dealt with replacing the front door. No big whoop...take down old; cinch up to new and trace across the butts to chisel out. That phase went smooooth enough. The next item involved nothing more than ripping across the bottom at a cant to accept the new threshold. Measure, mark..measure again...mark again...measure once more (ADD challenged) and straight edge a mark to saw along.

Plugging in my favorite drop cord was...a chore. All my gear had the ground prong, a luxury that was not part of the original electrical on this property.  My problem was solved with a ground lift that I kept in my toolbox for these kind of occasions. The smart end of the drop cord got my trusty, magnesium metal Skil-Saw wormdrive with the 6.5" blade (sometimes known as the southpaw saw). Taking said saw to the front stoop, I located the likely bench du jour for the job....the ornamental railing around the cap of the stoop!  Perfection!!  Just the right height and plenty stout for the weight with some action going on.  I lifted the door into position and lined up the kerf on the saw plate.  All systems were GO at that point.

I leaned into the line that the saw was chewing up...and again referencing "dog days" my sweaty bod (most especially the part Forrest Gump declared as "the but-tock") made contact with the ornamental iron railing. The other part of me completing the circuit was my left hand on the top saw handle made of pot metal and my right hand grasping the saw handle and trigger.

I never lost conciousness of what was happening.  Howsoever I did lose control of one delicate organ that I should have addressed after my 3rd Pepsi that afternoon.  I remmber seeing my arms convulsing at the elbows while the weight of the door kept me pinned to the railing. I was stuck on the saw switch with a terrible reality spinning in close proximity to my lower anatomy. Fortunately, in less than the length of time it takes to read this sentence....one exerted and semi-controlled flex of the arms tossed that spinning Skilsaw up into the air.

Once I was "unplugged" the only thing I could think of to do was put both arms over my head and hope that the blade guard spring was working because brothers and sisters...I didn't have the opportunity to choose the direction of my toss....I was merely hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. 

Fortunately, the saw went waaaaaay over there (again, I was much younger, stronger and stupider) and landed in the middle of the yard while I stood on the front stoop yelling in my best Monty Pythonesque village idiot fashion with both arms akimbo over my head with evidence of recently relieved bladder. All I needed was the knotted kerchief on my head and I was the drooling, spasming, yammering out loud village idiot...."Oy!! Me sawber da doorber and wetber myselfber."

From that tale...clients find a lot of unusual humor... but also see the necessity for spending the extra bucks to stay current (pun intended) to the NEC and general minimum standards for having ground rod(s) and GFIC.  They're there for a uniform purpose in standards for health and safety of the general public and idiots like me.

I still make mistakes...but, bubbas and bubettes...I've not made that SAME mistake twice.  Life is short enough without ever trying to mimic a two legged fuse again.